Happy Realisation

In retrospect, I have to admit that the year 2012 has been relatively hard on me. But along with that, some wonderful things have happened to me as well. I went for Vipassana; had the opportunity to stay in silence for 10 whole days and get exposed to the Buddhist technique of meditation. And along with it, a philosophy, a worldview. 

We learnt it on Day 4 after much anticipation for 3 days. The first few days you're just wondering what exactly you're doing "watching" your breath and how exactly this observation of inhalation and exhalation is actually going to change your life. In any case, before we began, we were asked to stay still throughout the 2 hours of the process where the technique was being taught and to keep our eyes shut. Turns out, it isn't as easy as you might imagine to stay still for 2 hours. What's worse, the more closely you watch yourself, the more aware you are of every itch, every tiny tickle, every stretch, every ache, every pain. It's hard. But I remember that day vividly. 

The 2 hours ended, and when I opened my eyes, I felt like something had changed in me. I was never going to be the same again. And that realisation has stayed with me. And the realisation has become deeper, by the fact that I realise that with every changing moment, we change as people. Often, we find ourselves repeating our actions, words, behaviours. We can't stop procrastinating, we can't stop ourselves from feeling bad about ancient break-ups, we can't stop aching for the friends we lost, the opportunities we missed, we're unable to change habits in ourselves that we so detest. We feel like we're doing the same thing and even that cycle of repetition is irritating. But perhaps, with every passing moment, we're that many moments away from that event, that habit, that loss, that pain. That moment has passed and so shall this one. It seems like it's the same, but may be it's not. It's only a matter of being aware and knowing, that this too shall pass. Someday you will not ache so deeply and some day we will learn to embrace life in its entirety. 

Paranoid Android II

I suppose the last time I wrote about my paranoid myself, I thought it was just a tiny part of me that was activated in certain situations. That it was really the situation, you know.

And it's only recently that I realize, it's not a part of me, paranoia is me. And no, I don't intend this as a joke. Humour isn't really what's on my mind nowadays. Though I sincerely hope, that someday, I can look back at these troubled times and laugh out loud at myself and my fears, which will be amusing then. A little like how the day your best friend said she didn't want to be friends with you anymore in class IV and it seemed like life was the worst thing that happened to you.

The first time a friend of mine said to me, “Perhaps you are a little too anxious. May be you should get help”. I laughed. I thought it was just him and his "counsellor self" that was getting a little too creative. And I don't know what came first, me feeling anxious or the label of being anxious. Did him mentioning it actually lead to the realization or it's creation? But all throughout, it has been funny. My first visit to a psychotherapist had a part of me telling myself, “Haha, you don't really need this. But you may be better off if you got help. You're okay without”

At first, there was a feeling of anxiety and I always managed to put a face on to my feeling. I had a good reason to be anxious, or worried or just sad. But it was usually phases. And the problem was never me. It was always other people. Or so I thought. It's only now that I realize that there is perhaps, a problem. I still wonder, was it the label that brought this upon myself? Or did it actually give me an opportunity to sit back and be honest with myself? May be this will be a chance to confront my deepest fears? Ideally, a psychiatrist can help. But I'm thinking, if I can can get through this by myself, then may be I won't dread living so much. Life won't arouse so many fears, so many worries. For there is nothing more serious, nothing more scary in the world, than losing your mind.

The Knot

“So when are you tying the knot?”

For most women beyond the age of 25, the question is not very uncommon to hear. The chachis, the mamis and the buas do start to get a little concerned about the spinster lot in their extended family. Surprisingly, I haven’t been asked that question too often, mostly because of the fact that I went to Xaviers’ college and pursued higher education in Delhi. The former already qualified me as being ‘different’ since the college carries a reputation of admitting all the hippies in town. The latter of course, is explained by the former explanation, ‘She’s different’…(And different, in a not-so-good way). Almost like for a girl to want to be well-educated disqualifies her from normalcy. Anyhow.

But the more important point that I have been preoccupied with is the one about tying the knot. When friends ask me that question, I’m wondering...Where is the suitable boy? Cliché as it sounds, I’m beginning to wonder if I have ever met a man who doesn’t in a tiny part of his brain actually believe that he is entitled to do whatever shit he likes, cuz well, he was born a ‘man’, the privileged birth amongst the two genders! Oh, the lucky bastard! He has a penis! His job is done and he needn't work any harder to achieve anything more in life. The rest of his life shall be a pursuit of activities that only go to reassure him of his masculinity. Of course, most men would deny this allegation when questioned about it. It’s not in any part of their ‘conscious’ being that they have managed to acknowledge even to themselves that this belief underlies all their behaviour. But their behaviour is the key to most actions. Ever tried asking a man to change, or to be different, or to be more sensitive, understanding or caring? The response is universal. They all either think that they ALREADY ARE all of those things and more…and that you expect way too much out of them. OR that they shall change in the future. But did he really change? Find me a man who ACTUALLY once sat down to question himself or his beliefs or understand the sentiments of other people? Why should he? He’s a man! Take it or Leave it.

So what are your options? Either you tie the knot with the hope that they will actually change or if you care even a little bit about your well-being, steer clear from the ‘knot’ lest you’d like to sign up for life full of knotty situations!